Where Do Broken Hearts Go?

Today is a sad day. There really isn't a better adjective to describe it than "sad". Last night was my last shift working with Caralyn (my travel nurse buddy) who bravely convinced me to move to New York with her back in April. But first let's rewind and provide the foundation to why this day is so sad. 

It really all started on a trip with her to San Francisco for New Years Eve 2015. We arrived to DFW Love airport for our flight. I had worked with Caralyn at this point for almost three years now at Baylor Dallas in the ED, but at this point we hadn't hung out that much outside of work. Immediately after checking through security and re-dressing ourselves, it was like we were one person. In unison we both stated we wanted mimosas. I had an instinct at this moment that,"Hey I like this girl!" The entire trip was filled with spontaneity and adventure and definitely one I will always remember. There is a saying that says you will really get to know someone once you travel with them. This NYE travel adventure was only a sneak peak at what was to come down the road. 

Caralyn and I got back from the trip and back to our normal lives. Long story short, both of us had events happen with boys that we wanted to get away from Texas and start fresh. (Our theme song click here!) One night Caralyn casually mentioned travel nursing to me. She said that her and I traveled so well together to San Francisco and why don't we do travel nursing together. It made complete sense. Every bone in my body was petrified of the idea of leaving my comfort zone. 

Okay, travel nursing here we come. Then came the actual process of making this idea a reality. The paperwork that consisted to get our New York nursing license. The interviews and phone calls to make sure everything was completed on time was time consuming and stressful. Moving, shipping, packing our lives into suitcases. Finding where to go for orientation, or better yet how to even take the train to the hospital, then getting acclimated to the new job. My point is I could not have done this alone. No, let me restate that I would not have done this alone if it wasn't for Caralyn. I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for this girl.

We have danced on tables together, drank champagne while watching the NBA finals, been hit by a car (yes this is true), screamed at the subway rats, danced to One Direction in the streets of the city, made millions of SnapChats, been total tourists, mastered the subway (well kind of), pigged out on delicious New York City bagels, had heart to heart talks while walking to and from work, there is so much more that I will cherish from these last 13 weeks that I haven't or couldn't list. So yes today is sad, because she is leaving for Arizona. While I have chosen to extend my stay here in New York. 

 I no longer have the instinct that "Hey I like this girl!" It's now, "Hey I love this girl and I'm going to miss the crap out of her." 

Should I stay or should I go?

Life has changed drastically since I last posted. There really isn't any particular reason I stopped writing. But, if I had to find one reason it may be because I was at such a confusing time in my life. I was questioning a lot of events, things, and people that were presenting themselves to me. Faced with heartbreaking decisions that I pushed away and procrastinated on facing. The choice of staying in Dallas or leaving for New York City to pursue a dream.

This choice of a new life meant leaving my comfort zone. This comfort zone consisted of waking up, getting a Sonic Dr. Pepper, going to work at an amazing facility, then coming home to my dog, Patti. The weekends filled with plans and invites from multiple friends or family at places I had already explored and knew. Saying goodbye to this comfort zone has by far been the scariest thing I have ever encountered.

The moment I decided I was going to go I had never felt so inclined to trust God. He basically brought this opportunity to me on a silver platter. The way everything fell into place could not be the work of man, but the big man himself. The words "I accept." rolled off the tip of my tongue to my recruiter. I had accepted a job offer in New York City. The excitement blurred the reality of what was to come.

But what has came nothing could of prepared me for. I can't say this has been an easy transition by any means. But this has been the best transition I think that has ever happened to me.

I almost feel obligated to reintroduce myself. I'm Tara, a 26 year old travel nurse from Texas. I live in a building with a doorman, yes an actual doorman who buzzes people and deliveries in for me. I have to walk to get groceries and use the little handles to carry all of them. But that does not stop me from buying my 12 pack of Dr. Pepper.  I have to at least have them since Sonic does not exist in the city. I hail cabs, and run to trains, I even take an uptown train to work every day. I have learned how to drown out the sounds of sirens, horns, and people yelling. Headphones in the city are basically my security blanket, with them I am in my own world walking through the most amazing place I've ever encountered. Historic landmarks such as Grand Central Station, The Empire State building, Central Park, surround me and in a sense I can already recognize that I take them for granted. I am Tara and I love my life.

However, with this there are things that I have realized how much I miss and how out of my comfort zone I am. Not seeing my family (yes this includes Patti) everyday. I have never felt so much appreciation and love for them. I miss them uncontrollably. FaceTime does help, but poor Patti is so scared to look at the phone so it doesn't help much. I do believe I have encountered true loneliness for the first time in my life since I have been here. I feel very alone. On the contrary though this experience has allowed me to discover who I am. I would of never found this side of me had I not made this crazy life changing decision. The process continues to challenge me but I can't imagine had I not agreed to live this fascinating journey. Because I fear that I would of never found me.

XOXO, TARA